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After
reading the accounts of the sensational cases of famed private detective Nero
Wolfe, some questions have come to mind that I would like to ask Mr. Wolfe’s
assistant, Archie Goodwin.
1.
Is Theodore Horstmann being held hostage in the plant rooms? How can he keep his
sanity up there with all those orchids day and night? I know,
he visits his sister on weekends, but is that really enough? And, why doesn’t
Mr. Wolfe invite him to eat in the dining room once in a while? It seems the
least he can do for all his work!
2.
Lily Rowan. Now really, what’s going on between you two?
3. Where is Mr. Wolfe these days? Did he retire to his house in Cairo? Did you and Fritz go with him? I assume old Horstmann is dead by now—everyone knows you and your boss are immortal. (How else to explain the fact that you were in your thirties in 1934 and hadn’t aged much by 1975.) But Horstmann—come on, he must be pushing up orchids by now!
4.
Is the trick picture behind Mr. Wolfe’s head, a waterfall or the Washington
Monument? This keeps me up at night.
5.
How can I buy a Heron? All the car dealers I’ve talked to think I’m crazy.
6.
What is Cramer’s first name? It
isn’t really Fergus, is it?
7.
How’s your cholesterol? Have you developed lactose intolerance?
8.
Did Rowcliff move west and become a CHP? I got a ticket last week and I could
have sworn...
9.
How do you pronounce pfui? (Wolfe aficionados hit you on the head if you
say phooey.)
10.
How does Mr. Wolfe keep from sliding off his bed? Have you ever tried wearing
canary yellow silk pajamas on black silk sheets? (Don’t, it is dangerous.)
Perhaps he uses Velcro strips?
*****
Please
forward to Mr. Archie Goodwin, whose last known address was 918 West
Thirty-fifth Street, New York, NY. (At least, that’s the most likely number
from Mr. Goodwin, who seems to be vague on the subject.)